First of all, if you don't know who the hell I'm talking about, you're not really going to understand anything I write here. I'd suggest Googling the bastard, except he'd probably like that (along with goat felching).

The most repulsively self-absorbed individual on the planet is turning fifty on June 17, and he's turning it into some kind of combined sacred event, circus, and yet a new excuse to wring funds out of brainwashed fans. When I heard about this not too long ago, and saw the two posters now available for purchase (what a shock), I thought, that's it. My gloves are off. I'm going to proclaim my hatred for Jello Biafra to the entire world (or at least the Internet) and make certain that at least one opinion from one person who has not been snookered by this High Beast of Useless Matter is out there in the cybersphere.

No, I'm not using my real name. Why should I? Biafra doesn't. Hell, he's spent most of his life entrenched in his alter ego. Wait. That's reason enough. My name is Scott Wyatt, I'm 41 years old, and I live outside Orlando, Florida.

Okay, let me begin with my charge that Biafra is self-absorbed. Here's an example. I either read about this or heard it on one of his endless spoken word albums. On September 11, 2001 (and we all know what that is) Biafra was in Alabama for some reason. Upon hearing the news, this modern day Nathan Hale on the exhale contacted all kinds of "officials" to find out what he could do (what would his hourly rate be, I wonder). He was kindly but firmly rebuffed. Well, no kidding! Who the hell was he to try and step into matters clearly beyond his depth? It was a national crisis, not a mosh pit. That was not the time to show how much more morally evolved he was than his former bandmates from Dead Kennedys.

What about those guys? I don't want to do a complete review of the scathing court procedures between Biafra and his bandmates. Basically it came down to Biafra robbing the guys of royalties (being Emperor of Alternative Tentacles and all). The judgments came in favor of the former Dead Kennedys, giving them complete control of the band's catalog. They seized the opportunity to remaster and release these albums for a new crop of DK fans. Biafra stood on the sidelines, bitching and moaning. The remasters were of shitty quality. The band was just out for money. He would have nothing to do with this new Dead Kennedys effort. And yet DK still has fans. They've gone through vocalists, but are still performing.

Strangely enough, I caught a video of a stout Biafra (or was it Archie Bunker or Rush Limbaugh?) singing California Uber Alles with, I believe, the Melvins. What--he can't write his own songs? But according to Biafra, he was the despotic creative muse behind everything DK ever did. This amuses me, since Biafra has admitted over and over again to not having any real musical skill.

I'd like to point out here that Klaus Fluoride, bassist for Dead Kennedys and much more, is a true gentleman. You might check out his website sometime. He actually cares about his fans, and about the people who write in to him. He seems a humble fellow. Biafra, on the other hand, has never bothered to learn to use the Internet (no musical talent and no cyber savvy). In 2008, this is pretty sad for someone who claims such an interest in freedom of the media.

More to the point, Biafra is an ecological hypocrite as well. For all of the save the planet/care for humanity/be sure and buy your reusable shopping bag from Alternative Tentacles crap Biafra might actually believes he stands for, he's still using paper. I mean snail mailings. I have also read that Biafra does not use and will not deign to acknowledge that little thing called e-mail. Er, excuse me, but the use of e-mail decreases the amount of wood pulp needed to write the old fashioned way. How aware can somebody actually be if they've missed this simple equation?

Then again, Biafra can afford to be wasteful--or so it would seem. I've read in several places that he lives in a 1.1 million dollar home in San Francisco. If this is true, then one might assume that Biafra is doing very well for himself. Yet he solicits donations from the poor people who come to see his spoken word performances--and that's on top of the ticket price. That he got attacked and beaten (for being a poseur) in 1992 is a terrible thing--but he's still claiming not to have gotten necessary dental repair because of finances. Seems simple to me. Sell your damn house and fix yourself, you moron.

Is there more? Oh, most certainly. Biafra's "biography" (testament to delusions of grandeur) at the AT website mentions how he performed nude when opening for the Clash. What a rebel, right? In a live interview on "After Dark" in the UK (look it up on YouTube) Biafra twists the story, saying that he dove into the audience and had his clothes mostly torn off by the crowd. You may have seen the picture of Biafra in his tighty-whities. In any case, Biafra didn't plan this stunt, but rather was the vivtim of his own lack of judgment.

All right, I'm done. Maybe you've read this, and maybe I'm making some kind of sense to you. What can you do?

Hit where it hurts. Buy nothing--NOTHING--from Alternative Tentacles. Do not attend shows by AT artists (you won't really be missing anything anyway). And if you really want to flip Biafra the bird, be sure and buy the entire Dead Kennedys catalog in the re-releases from Manifesto Records. If you get a chance to catch the band on tour (yes, they are touring, and yes, they're still great--I always thought it was the musicians that made it anyway) do yourself a favor and go see them.

I'm afraid I just won't be able to attend Biafra's two-day tribute to himself come June 17. But there will be plenty of suckers who will, I'm sure. I don't get why anyone would go to pay tribute to a man who so readily will never respect them back. I also don't imagine Klaus or Ray will be permitted anywhere near the venue--even if they came bearing gifts and good intentions.

Happy birthday, double crosser. I don't want you dead, of course. But I would really like you GONE.

I Hate Mindwalker!

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Mindwalker
mindwalker@live.com